Driveways

(This is a picture of my family on Easter this year)
Sometimes, I believe, we see ourselves either as stronger or weaker than we are. For me, this sense of self jumps around from time to time. A few weeks ago I began asking myself how on earth I could have rationally decided to move across the world. I grieved the losses I knew I would endure and then I began to move towards a better place, where I felt more in control. Still, while I thought that I would handle leaving my family and my best friend with some calm, it is a lot harder than I thought. Earlier today I watched my roommate pull out of the driveway and leave for what seems to be a long time - probably until December. It is strange how we take for granted the people and things in life that we care so deeply about. For example, when I come to stay at my parents' house, I sleep in a bed with Jerseys sheets - some of the most comfortable sheets that I have ever encountered. Smelling them reminds me of home and curling up in them makes me feel safe and comforted. When I thought of leaving those sheets - something so simple - and all that they are connected with, it was baffling how sentimental I became.
I once heard a quote, "To know the depth of our love for something we must first lose it" and as I temporarily lose some of the things I love, I can see that it is true. I think that part of the sadness comes from a deeply internal knowledge that its not only the things you are leaving, but also the person you currently are. You know that making big changes externally can almost never come without an internal metamorphosis, also. On the one hand, I feel that my life would be a sad one if I had no emotion about giving it up as it is - that would mean that I had no real care for it and no passion about it. On the other hand, the inevitability of change, and therefore loss, is so utterly discouraging that it keeps some people from making any connections at all, for fear of having to trade them in. Life is so wonderful and so vicious at the same time. I am confised by people who have the ability to overlook the latter.