Driveways

(This is a picture of my family on Easter this year)
Sometimes, I believe, we see ourselves either as stronger or weaker than we are. For me, this sense of self jumps around from time to time. A few weeks ago I began asking myself how on earth I could have rationally decided to move across the world. I grieved the losses I knew I would endure and then I began to move towards a better place, where I felt more in control. Still, while I thought that I would handle leaving my family and my best friend with some calm, it is a lot harder than I thought. Earlier today I watched my roommate pull out of the driveway and leave for what seems to be a long time - probably until December. It is strange how we take for granted the people and things in life that we care so deeply about. For example, when I come to stay at my parents' house, I sleep in a bed with Jerseys sheets - some of the most comfortable sheets that I have ever encountered. Smelling them reminds me of home and curling up in them makes me feel safe and comforted. When I thought of leaving those sheets - something so simple - and all that they are connected with, it was baffling how sentimental I became.
I once heard a quote, "To know the depth of our love for something we must first lose it" and as I temporarily lose some of the things I love, I can see that it is true. I think that part of the sadness comes from a deeply internal knowledge that its not only the things you are leaving, but also the person you currently are. You know that making big changes externally can almost never come without an internal metamorphosis, also. On the one hand, I feel that my life would be a sad one if I had no emotion about giving it up as it is - that would mean that I had no real care for it and no passion about it. On the other hand, the inevitability of change, and therefore loss, is so utterly discouraging that it keeps some people from making any connections at all, for fear of having to trade them in. Life is so wonderful and so vicious at the same time. I am confised by people who have the ability to overlook the latter.

Mangiero bene!

Yesterday, I rediscovered a small Italian food joint, recently built where I live. It was started by an Italian couple and the food there is to die for! The first time I went, I ordered a Margherita Pizza and this time had a caprese panini and bruschetta. One thing I am desperately looking forward to is not only the amazing food that I am sure to encounter in Italy, but also the knowledge of how to make it. In the summer, I will be staying with a family and will be expected to make lunch everyday for the boy, Andrea. I will, hopefully, learn about how to cook specialized pasta and "antipasto" which are appetizers.
In Italy, meals are considered to be an art form. People spend a long time preparing and enjoying the meal, and each component is incredibly important from the bread to the wine to the kind of spices used. I think that this consideration for the small things in life will be enriching tutti giorni!

Talkin' 'Bout My Girls...My Girls!

(these are 5 of the 16 girls that I coach)
Yesterday was the end of a full year of cheerleading. You ask: why would you subject yourself to hours every week coaching crazy, silly middle school girls? When I first began working at the middle school, I asked myself the same thing. The difference between my notion of how it would be and how it actually is has been immense. The middle school students I work with are not just bodies of energy; they are thinking and feeling and sharing individuals. I have learned so much from them about simple pleasures, like slurpees, and about relationships. So, yesterday when practice was over and everyone was heading home, I realized that it was a true end of something for me - one of the first - on my way to Italy. Our cheerleading squad has created a sort of family unit and has opened all of us up to something bigger than chants, stunts and jumps - to each other. I will miss my girls.

Storms

Last night it stormed harder than it has in a long time. Trees were knocked over onto houses and everything was in complete disarray. At my apartment, the power flickered on and off all night, and every time it did the fire alarm beeped and the VHS player re-situated the tape inside. But, I did have an interesting realization last night. My roommate and I sat down, unable to do really anything to distract us from the looming clouds and wind, so we played cards. I am completely in love with the card game "gin" and I drag her into it all of the time to play with me. We've become quite good and its funny because playing gin has become a time for us to talk and unwind. So, we pulled out all of the candles in the apartment (which, for me, is a lot of candles since I am obsessed with them) and we began to play gin in the dark.
I was sitting there thinking about a time when people didn't have electricity and about a time when they did everything before the sun set. It made me think about how, with those extra hours of artificial light, Americans have become completely consumed with work. It was nice just sitting there enjoying each others' company, but completely uncharacteristic. There is always something else going on simultaneously. Americans are known internationally as work-aholics and I have to say that I agree, to some extent. We don't take breaks in the middle of the day to actually enjoy the day. Working hard is great, but not if it costs you the life and the things you work for. Having money is good but not enjoying it makes it useless. I think that something I will be unaccustomed to when I move to Italy is the change in this mentality. Americans work to work - it fits what we are expected to do - but Italians work because they have a life craft and because it is a means to a different end: affording the things in life that make life just a little more special.

While sitting on the floor that night with the two cats huddled near us, I also realized, for one of many times, how unique my friend is and how much I will miss her company. It's nice to have friends who know you through and through and who, when you have a bad day or snap at them or do other human things, can be upset with you but let it take no effect on the bond you have. I have confidence that even, when I am a complete beast of a human and I act without thinking, I still have a friend who will forgive me and who knows that that person isn't me. What is equally nice is knowing someone else inside and out and still admiring them - still wanting to spend free time with them. Its nice knowing their quirks and appreciating them rather than detesting them. That is who my friend, Lindsay, is to me, and those games of gin will be dearly missed.